Archive Note — 2026: I wrote this as deliberately outrageous political satire, loosely inspired by Jonathan Swift’s A Modest Proposal. Swift’s 1729 essay used the grotesque idea of selling poor Irish children as food to attack the dehumanization of poor people. This piece uses the same basic device against the immigration politics of its own time. It is satire, not advocacy—and yes, I was considerably angrier when I wrote it.
Eating Babies will stop any immigration full stop!
My days have been hectic and as I try to gain power, I realize that my ultimate boss really wants to make a statement on immigrants, the crueler the better. I remember that he is very happy when people are dehumanized. And he never seems a more stable genius then when suffering immigrants are the daily headline. The harsher the environment the better off we at the White House are at least for the short term.
I was able to find a ‘Modest Proposal’ from one of the internet’s first tweeters, Jonathan Swift, he railed against the poor Irish people and was trying to build a wall to keep them out of his country. We will build the wall and have the haggis loving Scots pay for it from a tariff on golf resorts.
The darn Scots reneged, and Mel Gibson told him to bugger off, so he with a stiffened upper lip, devised a plan to help both sides. Not only would the Irish immigrants be able to feed themselves better they could also reduce trade deficits by selling their extra children as a gourmet item to our elites for fancy parties. Puts new meaning into Mexican cuisine; or, save to indulge in those other darker appetites, for later in life. Remember they changed from Penn State to BYU ‘bring them young’.
Swift would later be granted trademarks on cooking attire, methods and the first Suzy homemaker oven. ‘ I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London, that a young healthy child well nursed, is, at a year old, a most delicious nourishing and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricasie, or a ragoust.’
Mr. Swift was one of the first Twitter trolls that believed domestic violence would decrease as husbands would be reluctant to treat the women poorly as they now could sell their precious cargo. He also believed that abortions would end with mothers bringing forth a needed commodity. The boss is going to love him.
He blamed the mothers and women for all the ills of the world. And these young women could also be persuaded to perform massages with happy endings.
Many people tell me that he was also an original Evangelical Christian, being ordained in the state-run Anglican Church, perhaps we can somehow start this practice over here, overturn separation of church and state, via executive fiat. @swiftlyconsumeyoungflesh would fit in very well with the current religious/political climate. ‘There is likewise another great advantage in my scheme, that it will prevent those abortions, and that horrid practice of women murdering their bastard children, alas, too frequent among us, sacrificing the poor innocent babes, I doubt, more to avoid the expense than the shame.’
This should work on many fronts. We certainly will stop illegal entry into our country, once we separate the family’s, because love the one you eat is one hell of a deterrent Secondly the misogyny should certainly be appealing, lastly we can start a religious state and domestic abuse and abortion will be all but eliminated.
My guy loves the stock market so we could buy and sell these children on the exchanges. There might be a separate market for white meat. Think of all the start ups the capitalist can create. Besides the long-term benefits for the rich pedophile, my favorite is baby skin purses, or a nice whiskey flask for those chilly hunting weekends?
Now how can I get this idea traction? All I need is a retweet from JR., or some other social media giants assembled at our summit. Talk about throwing red meat to hoards! Eating and selling babies solves so many problems and should ensure victory in 2020.By the time my guy leaves office the statutes of limitations should have run its course for our crimes against humanity, if not then my pardon is in the safe.
